thy kingdom come

i keep saying that i want to "be here" fully, to take in everything that this time has to offer and give more than i consider possible. but i feel i'm failing. i forget to love. i forget to seek. i forget to listen. and some days i even forget to breathe.

so here's hoping that this confession will make me more aware of my need and that this awareness will remind me.

thy will be done

on feeling useless

"being useless and silent in the presence of our God belongs to the core of all prayer."

i keep going back to what he has promised.
keep reminding myself that anything, and everything, i put my hands to is his work
reminding myself that apart from him anything i do is futile
but this leaves me feeling useless
leaves me feeling terribly irresponsible
my fear and pride tell me i should be okay by now
they tell me i should have a job by now
tell me i should have answers to the questions
and there are so many of them

but he reminds me, constantly, that without trust and obedience i cannot claim to love him
and that without faith it is impossible to please him. he reminds me that it is only when i see myself as powerless that he can show the strength of his power. he reminds me, simply, that he has done far more with far less. and he tells me again that he will not leave me. he tells me to rest in my useless-ness, trusting that he is at work and that his work is far more beautiful than i can imagine.

i will wait and i will trust and i will see