dirty & dirty

i feel fragile
like i could break at the slightest sound
i think it may just be exhaustion

not showering in three days does weird things
mostly it increases the paranoia of things like lice and mosquitos
and the consequences of encountering such things
i forgot to pack a towel, hmmm

not sleeping or better yet, only taking a handful of naps
in the last 72-ish hours
also does strange things to a person
i also forgot to pack pj's
boo!

bind my wandering heart

i love that my heart is forever fettered to his. some days its annoying, days when i'm running and can't seem to escape it. but i don't want it any other way. i am his and its so good to know and trust (or at least attempt to) in that.

if i pretend november has not yet come, would you play along?
its such a strange feeling
i'm not sure of anything
and i keep thinking that maybe if i just swallow my pride something like magic will take place
fear of man, that has always been trouble for me
and then there lies the fear that there will be no magic moment and life will cease to be the fantasy i've made it out to be in my mind

fear, such a funny little feeling
today i wish i were fearless

thanks ma

photo by l. henderson (via flikr)

i rolled out of bed this morning only to discover it was already 9am. yes, the 9 am when i was supposed to be unlocking the door at the doctors office. i failed. thanks to my mama i didn't have to worry about lunch. she brought me a couple jars of canned apples from their tree. pair that with a squeeze pack of jason's organic peanut butter and well you have a tasty thing goin on.

i've been reminiscing the last few weeks of falls spent making apricot jam, apple butter, choke-cherry jelly and pies of each fruit with my mother and grandmother. i treasure the memory. I'm a bit sad that i'll be missing the greater part of fall in the states. cooking with apples, pumpkins and the like will have to wait until Christmas. so for now i will enjoy my (red) delicious apples. thanks ma!

genie, grant me these 3...4....em, 5 wishes.

i'd like one of each of these before my trip...


linen pants via gap.com



Merrell's circuit MJ in Taupe




First Ascent Little Tahoma at eddie bauer




Olympus Stylus 9000




and i wish most for this polariod SX-70
i'll be scouring ebay til the day i leave...

once

once i was a child
and i did childish things
innocent things
life was uncomplicated
unpredictable
fascinating

it lost its luster too quickly
the happiness of it fell like a priceless vase
to the marble floor of dark deeds in unseen places
faces became my fear and fear my closest friend

he's learning of brokenness
just as i once learned it
not to the same degree, G-d forbid!
but learning it nonetheless

what i wouldn't give to be in that garden
every fear forgotten

if we were children, i'd bake you a mud pie

i've been trying to convince myself that i don't want to be a child again.
but after spending a week with my family i do. i should mention that we were vacationing, if for no other reason than reminding myself that living at home isn't all its cut out to be. so here it is, a list of reasons why i should not want to be a child.

1. i determine my own schedule. this means: a. i can stay out as late as i want, wherever i want & b. i can stay up as late as i want and wake up whenever i feel like (well aside from work and the like). no need to worry yourself, ma, i rarely abuse this freedom.

2. well actually that's all i've come up with so there is no number 2.

i'm not very good at this. so instead i'll leave you with some photos of our adventure.






my lovely parents at the mexican place i was afraid to try. they won me over with that yummy soup of theirs.

some days you just need a good cry
and a long afternoon nap
and some time with your love

some days there are no words
and if you try to force them
they ring out like a bad country song,
cliché and twang-y,
the one you'd wish you had not written
because it says too much
(and with so little)

so you take in the silence
and don't dare break it again

its the small moments

that remind me its good to be alive.
and i need to be reminded especially these days

moments spent picking these yummy little treats



our lovely neighbor, Jan, has been growing these and they've begun to spread over to our side of the fence. not that we mind. at all. i've picked well over 5 pints and there are still a gazillion waiting for the sun to come out and ripen them.

delicious.



come on over, i'll share.

believe me

i know life is good
that it is beautiful
that its worth the pain

but knowing it just doesn't help

one day it will be more than knowledge
one day i'll be ok

still my lover won't return

it happened far too quickly
i spent hours begging for peace
gave up when the light came
and now i feel sort of dead on the inside

i'm not sure how to get out of this one
& i don't have any desire,
much less the strength, to get out

i'm sorry friends
i'm afraid i'm shutting down
i'll see you on the other side
if you decide you're willing to put up with this

because i need to be reminded

5 things that people i love do that make me love them more (that was a mouthful!)

1. Ami praying for me in spanish. it made me tear up when she did it this morning.

2. Daniel wrapping his arms around my neck and firmly saying "my tia" is his little 2 year old broken english. i love that i belong to him.

3. Reilynn's musical hugs. nothing better to do when hugging someone than sing.

4. Bethany's random dancing. need i say more?!

5. Sarai calling me sister. makes me feel like i'm not just rachel. i am sister. haha!

music sounds so much better when it makes me think of you

i've been missing you lately
there's a nostalgic feeling
settling in my mind
filling it with thoughts of you
i'm working up schemes to find you
plans of running into you
dreams of making my home with you
cause i like to think that with you is where i belong

and here i go getting all emo and wierd about your being gone
oh for the love!

the truth

most days things just don't work out the way i'd like
most days i'm okay (or more than) with that
not today
not when i'm trying to plan this thing out and i feel helpless because something so trivial as a bad internet connection is keeping me from what feels like my only hope.
not when i have no clue how this is all going to work

oh joy!

currently obsessing over...

1. tim coons voice. like honey staight from the comb, smooth yet slighty gritty, sweet folk-y worshipful wonder. so good

2. farmers markets. is it wierd that i just googled "farmers market, san francisco" yes. i found one that looks fantastic and that i may be able to visit not just once, but twice while the girls and i are vacationing. Mmmmmm...

3. wedding blogs. they make me happy. 'nuf said.

darken as much of me, as much as you can

worship.
he said it was all about manipulation.
a god offering one thing in exchange for a peoples sacrifice.
a people offering sacrifice to their god for a blessing on crops or health or victory in war, etc.
& for a moment i agreed.
what have we become?
how is it we've fooled ourselves into believing that if we just attend our weekly worship services and read our bibles and talk about the bible that our G-d will give what we want?
& does he do the same?
does he bless so that we will worship?
or is worship outside of this equation?

is worship less about manipulation
more about intimacy, vulnerability, love?

she said something about toothpaste. and i can't get her out of my mind.
it wasn't so much that she found it funny or random or interesting, but more that she wanted to share the moment. she let herself look a little silly by opening a conversation with "looks like someone forgot their toothpaste." but it got us talking. and if i hadn't had my cellphone out, call in progress, we would've talked for hours.

but i kept thinking. what if this is it? what if worship isn't about groveling at a kings feet simply because of position? what if it's about that king going along with you to buy that new car or just a new pair of jeans. what if it was about that conversation you had with him over coffee. and maybe not so much about the conversation but the fact that he left the palace, his own personal barista and his servants and came to you're little house where he had to hold his own cup of not-so-great-coffee. and there was no one to clean up after him. to wait on him. except you.

okay maybe i'm making this a bit weird.
i'm just tired of feeling like a slave.
i want to feel like a friend again.
and the fact that i don't is my fault, not his.
cause he still hangs out at my house.
still joins me when i break out in song and dance at random.
still walks down the same streets with me.
still lays next me at night listening to that song that has been on repeat for days.
still laughs with me at the ridiculous things that amuse me.
still smiles with me while we watch D discover the world.

but i started thinking i had to do things to keep him there. entertained. comfortable. happy. i forgot that he already was. that it wasn't about any of that. just about us. together. making life abundant.

and that is why i love him.
that is why i kiss toward him.
i love him because he first loved me.
and (i realize this undoubtedly sounds sacrilegious)
i worship him because he worships me.

its ok

some days its ok
that you end up stranded
in the rain
good for you
to walk yourself wet
down a street you stopped noticing
rediscover the light-color-structure
and you remember
that you are here
and why
and, most importantly, that you love this city

and its good timing
cause you'd begun to feel like you didn't belong anymore
but not tonight

and it doesn't matter that you're cold and soaked through
or that you can hear mrs j shouting out her warning
"don't get struck by lightning, girls!"
and you wonder what the likelihood of that happening
to you,
tonight,
might be

your sinuses will hate you
but what do they know?
you are home
and nothing can take that from you
not tonight

the tired symphony you hum when you're awake

funny how life changes
its been six months and just starting to sink in
three more and i'll (hopefully) be visiting a place i'm quickly losing sight of

i had plans
they changed
its become my only constant, change

just when i was starting to feel settled
just when life was giving what i wanted
everything changed

i'm wondering if i really want to do this
two months, sure
an undetermined amount of my life, not so sure

two months ago i was more than certain
funny how that changed because one person made one small comment

funny how i blew said comment out of proportion
and ended up in this mess of uncertainty

actually, its not funny at all

25 things to do before i turn 26

1. cover the city in home-made fortunes
2. take (& develop) more photographs
3. write a letter to each far-away friend
4. re-visit the DAM
5. wander aimlessly through kokata
6. have a fabulous dinner at Lola with the best ones
7. sleep in the hammock at 56 cabresto rd
8. meet amelia
9. have a picnic
10. turn the cell off for a few days
11. go horseback riding
12. visit portland
13. finish all of the books i've started reading this year.
14. sing harmony for Dan (or at least ask him if i can)
15. paint at least one of the basement walls
16. visit the japanese tea gardens in SF
17. pull off the best baby shower yet
18. befriend a chicken farmer(is that what you'd call them?)
19. throw a dinner party for no reason
20. re-learn the violin
21. take a roadtrip
22. sit in tree for a few hours
23. rediscover this city
24. make tamales with the Garcia-Torres women
25. do something ridiculously entertaining with all this bubblewrap

i finally went rock climbing this weekend. oh happy heart!
had to bail two thirds up the second wall. its ok. i was exhausted.
had a lovely dinner with the Beans and Bliss.
Some days i forget just how much love there is in my life.
i miss my family.

Dad,
i hope you know how much i appreciate your love, patience, grace and sacrifice.
not to mention, always being willing to drive the distance so i can see your faces.
i love you! & i'd write it a thousand times if it didn't take so long :)

31 things i love

in no particular order

1. beards
2. dark chocolate
3. antonio
4. mexican soda
5. lavender
6. mashed potatoes
7. gaia
8. white alaskan honey
9. summer dresses
10. frilly aprons
11. harmonies
12. linen trousers
13. pajama baking
14. scrabble
15. urban gardens
16. sushi
17. handwritten letters
18. the farmers market
19. photobooths
20. sweet potato fries
21. thursdays
22. brilliant
23. sun tea
24. fountains
25. gerber daisies
26. sharpies
27. home grown veggies
28. midnight movies
29. bookstores
30. sticky notes
31. scarves

i've been

day-dreaming about farmers markets (can you believe i've only been to one this season?!)
wondering how long this will last
rejoicing in the small victories
feeling more at home
finding time to read again :)
dreaming about the perfect summer dress
obsessing over it, really
loving jon
bumping into things. haha.
missing heidi and sarah
wishing i could be there when the little olive comes
dreaming about a small home on an island not too far away

note: this post has been edited and some of its original content removed to protect the author from embarrassment. hahaha.

that thing

the thing you call sin is merely a symptom of that sin - rohr

at last

my love has come!
ok, not really.
at least not in the way you'd imagine

let me introduce you to my new obsession




i think i might call her agnes.

:) makes my heart happy

I A M E X H A U S T E D ! ! !

& i h o p e s h e l o v e s i t !

well actually i know she'll love it.

Happy Birthday Angie! if this isn't telling of our love, well...i don't know.

Thanks to Mama Bean for her patience and sewing skills and support and for not kicking us out and not yelling at us and loving us inspite of how ridiculous our ideas seem and for helping us make our visions reality. we love you!

writing in the sky

that is what you were to me

your breath it rushes and fills my lungs

i need some time. for nothing.
these days. writing feels forced. lacks creativity. sounds bad.
ugh.

Elephants is beautiful.
heavy heart-wrenching makes you want to cry for hours beautiful

i have nothing else to say

safe as it sounds

you inspire me.
2am, almost, & i'm thinking of how the light falling softly on your face reminds me of small children running in the summer rain just across the border seven years ago. & how the smell of american spirit is lingering in my hair like notes of a coltrane song. long. smooth. strong. old soul. these scarlet walls and dark wood floors never heard such things. still, remain unchanged. but i'm not the same girl i was 'round 11pm.
better that way.

the reasons why i

a. wouldn't want to work for anyone else: my boss pulled out these colorful sporks for lunch today as a gift for us. random. odd. i love it.


(photo via treehugger)
i got this slate blue one. again, love it!


b. love my sister and the boy i'll soon call brother: they send me silly pictures on a daily basis.
l o v e l o v e l o v e





c. already miss this one: he enjoys a good cuddle puddle just as much as, if not more than, i do :)

belonging

i found this old photograph while searching for my birth certificate. (they won't let me leave the country without proof that i really was born) thats my cute little grandmother on the right next to my pa. and the lady in red? my lovely mama. (funny i think i have that same sweater in blue & its not vintage)
i don't remember much about my grandmother. she passed when i was 3. my parents tell of how i decided i would follow suit after her funeral. laid myself in one of her old trunks and said good bye to them. they were, of course, horrified at the thought. but i loved her and was convinced that once that trunk lid closed i'd be with her again. she loved me. i've heard other stories, but even if all i had was the trunk story i'd know it. i'd know it fully.

i went to a wedding weekend before last & there was something said about rings being a sign of ownership. it made me happy.

you see, there's this ring i wear. it was hers. and in all the world there is no material thing that means more to me. (i know, i know - insert lecture about storing up treasure in heaven and not here. blah blah.) and here's why, my father was adopted. that never meant much to me, good or bad, until that wedding day. i think how my grandparents must have looked at him and decided life would be unbearable without him. they chose him. and by that, they chose me. they own me. (no. not like a slave. ha!) i belong.
so i'll wear it til it doesn't fit my old swollen hands ( & then i'll slip it on a chain and wear it 'round my neck) i'll wear it when it doesn't match. i'll wear it when i'm angry. i'll wear it when i feel like i haven't got a friend in the world. i'll wear it and know that she loved me and that i belong.

oh, and i'll wear through all the happy moments too (in case you wondered :)

-r

i've spent every other day this week in flip flops. today i pulled the boots out.
i'd like to shake my fist in disapproval at this weather.

strange how foreign the first snow felt under my feet. even after 24 winters. funny how this place feels the furthest thing from home. even after these 18 months. but few places have ever really felt like home. and even fewer have truly been.

you'd always been home for me but now you're becoming all the more uncomfortable.

do not

"do not use trampoline indoors" - s.scolaro

he said he felt heart-broken by life

& i knew exactly what he meant

i'm feeling very inspired. bet you'd love to know why.
"you" being my imaginary friends who take the time to read this.
i.e. no one.

i'm happy.
no, more than that.

nothing funny has happened.
except lisa & the eatons last night.
but you'd have to have been there to understand :)
happy making. my tuesday was happy making.
okay. thats all.

-r

i cannot find the heart i gave to you

if i'd had you on a pedestal you'd be at ground level
but i never did and now you seem so far beneath
i don't know what or how
i'm just tired of waiting for things to change
for you to change
maybe i expected too much

and maybe its just time to go

easing up

that's what life is doing for me.

(exhibit a)
i spent the greater part of my thursday with Oliver.
he made a new friend, the cute little Bristol.
and after an hour of play this is the mess we found ourselves in.



now if you're wondering where i let him play, let me bring to light the fact that wednesday was very snowy & wet. thus, thursday was sunny and muddy. everywhere. well not the concrete but what dog wants to play on that?!?

that said, i could not let him onto the carpet without a proper cleaning.
an hour later he was, though a bit unhappy, like new. we followed our plight with a long nap. yes. its ok, be jealous. spent some time on the piano. cleaned up. played tug-o-war with the now butt-less duck and then i said goodbye.


isn't he the most!

-r

oops

i found the boss' old polaroid.
i think i'm in love.
o-my-word!
l o v e l o v e l o v e

oh em

its been far to long, oven.
i've missed you.
i'm glad we had our little date last night...



i baked some lovely little cornbread muffins last night.
they are delightful. i had one, honey-soaked, with a cup of tea last night.



and again just now as a mid-workday snack.

makes my little heart happy.

om. zen. and all other serene feelings included.

Visited Snooze this morning with two of the lovelies.
i cannot believe i'd never eaten there. tasty :)
it was a nice morning after (the blizzard, i mean) though i do wish it had stuck around a bit longer.
oliver & i spent some time staring out the window while the snow fell yesterday. it was beautiful. couldn't see anything past commons and riverfront. for a day it felt like we lived in a small village. somedays i miss that. things get so busy here. it often leaves me feeling overwhelmed. i'd like more time to paint, cook, write, craft and, yes, even clean.
the girls and i talked about how nice it'd be to live as stay-at-home wives. i think there is something beautiful to it. i'd pull my own weight, honest. its a bit hard though when you've got to work a full time job. there's no time to just be. & honestly thats what i need if i'm ever going to get this dream of mine happening. i jokingly noted that i'd probably write better songs. i think there was some truth to it. my art is always better when i have no (time) constraints.

i'm waiting, mister

heh. not really.

seriously though. i'm not. i do enjoy life this way :)

i love

or at least i'd like to think i do.
it's quickly becoming more than i can bear.

i need a baking day. maybe saturday.
maybe not. i don't always like the maybe's.
i need more commitment in my life now.
its a strange feeling, being done with the fleeting tendencies of day to day living.
i will soon be settled again. not in the way some are accustomed to.
my feet will soon belong to that beautiful land that is presently far from them.
home will then be a place i've yet to see with my own eyes.

home, my heart is longing.

match-less is His love for me

that's what i'm learning.
still wrestling and unsure of when it will end. but even now that the mask has been removed to reveal the face of my beloved i find a deep strength and comfort in knowing that my enemy was never a true one. He is for me.

He is faithful, unchanging, unmoved.
and i love that about Him.

the stars were beautiful...

and the company all the more.

it was/is...
strange being in a place that was home for so long but no longer belonging (until tuesday).
satisfying to leave after knowing that in someways it will always be home.
relieving to know that the search for home is over. for now at least.
good to be okay and more than okay.


side note: i am getting more excited and terrified for my indian adventure. yes, that is the first i've written about it here. and no one reads this so i guess its not really a shock.

Mmmmm...

i love walking into the shipping room when it smells like a fresh pressed cup of coffee. sans brew.

i really hate how emo-centric i've become. really, though. if you've spent anytime around me lately you'd think i were bi-polar and reconsider our friendship. i know i'm reconsidering it. i just don't know how to get past this part. i forget to write out the instructions once i'm back in a normal state of mind. it hasn't been quite so bad this time though. i've been able to talk myself out of a lot of it. i probably sound like a schizo doing it but it works for at least awhile.

i joined in celebrating(if i can call it that) a friends birthday last night and the one before. that's when it really kills me. when i know i can't just enjoy the moments like i should. the joys of life seem a bit distant. the moment i realize how ecstatic i should be to have such lovely delightful people around my heart is crushed. i want to be well for them now. i was so much easier to wallow when i limited my social network to the few friends that i could share a few choice moments with but at the end of the day there wasn't much invested. these ones make it that much harder.

and maybe thats why its different this time. not to get all spiritual on your asses but i'm, in a very strange way, discovering the beauty of the body and the importance of not having a "it's just me-n-jesus" veiw of this thing. which means i can't run (gah) even though its the only thing i want to do right now.
so thanks, to those of you who have and are putting up with me. the scowl on my face may give off that i'm terribly annoyed by you (and i just might be) but, please know that in my moments of sanity and clarity i adore each of you. and standing here all pouty looking means i haven't run away, which means i'm trying, more than i ever have and thats because of you.

-r

a little bit like crazy

thats how he makes me feel. a bit uncomfortable. i rarely feel so vulnerable as when he speaks. not healthy "i'm baring my soul" vulnerable. more "caught between the dropped towel and any form of clothing" vulnerable. strange. i have no tie to him. barely know his name. but his face is has been inconveniently stamped in my memory. and now i'm just wondering why. why it is there's so much i can't remember and somehow i'm finding it difficult to forget his odd stare. sometimes's its like the happy moments have been thrown out by the sadistic little man who manages the file labeled memories. bitter little man, only keeping the dark and painful. note to self: fire his ass.

laid there too long
without a sound
now i'm wondering when the the silence will go
and when my mind will start processing the words
i know are falling in my ears

its a wonder how much i write when i can't think straight
its starts feeling a bit like crazy when every thought
is more like narration than the random patterns
i (almost) grew accustomed too

bunny trails, thats what she called them
we'd all yell out "shoot the bunny," share a good laugh
and pass another pint of our favorite

i remember

the walls are up
my hands hurt from being thrust against them
in some mindless attempt to knock them down
by now the numbness should have set in
but not this time

i'm still hopeful

maybe it will be different this time
maybe this is the one the one i've been waiting for
maybe this will be the last time

maybe

stared straight south for ten minutes
hoping somehow my gaze would bring you closer, faster.
it didn't and i'm still here waiting.

i spent 5 years waiting (well, really
3 if you subtract the year i spent forgetting or at least trying)
its time now and i hardly feel worthy, much less adequate.
but i find that comforting.

i'm seeing face to face now. its not pretty
but its mine. dark as it may be, its yours.
you knew, you still do. and for these small moments
thats just enough.

a spoonful of sugar helps the medicine go down

at least that's what Mary Poppins taught us. but what do we do with a generation who has been given the sugar with no medicine? how does one go about telling a child that they've been lied to without crushing or wounding them more deeply? how can a grown man find truth, spoken through harsh words, acceptable?

speaking the truth in love...let your speech always be with grace
that's what paul taught. truth must always be given with grace & love. but when we've become all about love and acceptance, even tolerance, how do we add in truth without turning everyone against us? how do we make ourselves understood? how do we seperate the person from the action, the mindset and most importantly the emotion.
in our quest for happiness, we've overlooked the truth. we've pursued peace and ended up spineless. we've fed ourselves sugarcoated lies, and now find ourselves all the more hungry.


oh love, how you've ruined us.
hope, you have made us weak.
grace, you have made fools of us all.

she swore her heart wasn't in it and thought she meant it

i can't find the heart
i think maybe it was left out
and ended up in that pile i still haven't sorted
i haven't the time
i haven't the will

pray the rain don't come

funny how seeing your name, written in full
across a page i should have thrown out years ago
sends me right back down the very streets i've been avoiding.
and you, unaware, would fail to recognize the outline of a girl, passing by,
as the one you once swore to give everything for.
not now, incapable of looking past the pictures you've painted
to escape the reality of all that's been corrupted.
and, really, once you've painted yourself into your four happy corners and walls
it will be hard to see anything.

just pray the rain don't come, cos i've been begging for it