i don't understand my heart. how is it that in the same beat it can be so full and yet feel such a deep and hollow ache for something more?

i miss the innocence i used to see on my face. i'd never noticed it until he said something about it. and after that each time i look in the mirror i look for it but it's been years and now all i see is a tired and broken woman. there are lines that are beginning to show my age. my eyes are heavy and dark. my lips no longer hold a constant smile. so i pose them and focus on making my eyes look big and bright to avoid the "are you ok?" from those around me. i'm not ok. and lying (both to myself and all others) becomes increaasingly difficult. i don't know what to do to be ok anymore. i don't know how to process or grieve appropriately the things that have yet to be processed and grieved appropriately. I'm tired. i'm weak. i'm empty and spent of all good. my breath is drawn shallow from aching lungs. mostly i feel lost.

i need to be found again.

i need your breath in my lungs

i've been breathing the stale air of my own opinions and desires for too long now.
it was fine, for a moment. i needed to grieve and there was so much grieve.
for a moment, i'll allow my self that grace.
but it's been months and it's like i've been breathing in and out of a paper bag all this time and trying to make it seem normal. it's not normal. i'm putting the bag down and taking in, slow and steady, the breath of the One who restores and renews.
it's not the easiest thing but with every rise and fall of my chest i am reminded that this is what i was made for.

i kept having to remind myself today to stop thinking about my next words, about next week, about the next moment. by 5 it had become as simple as breathing.

be here, now