its been quite a while since i last set poesia to music.
i'm imagining an upright bass and a mellifluous drum beat to go along with. until then...

lost dog

found an unfamiliar document on my hard drive at work
"lost dog"
opened it up to find this,

"Your Rott,
good heart,
seriously ill
with cancer.
Leg could
break, vet said
it is a
painful death
I didn’t know,
I am sorry he
has died, I
buried him.
Much loved.
Sad for you."

i laughed. then i felt bad.
no idea where it came from.

between sighs

i'd like to be back here
a good friend, a good book
and all the time in the world

perhaps, someday

Emmanuel

atop a snow covered mountain

"oh holy night" rang out with each evocative pull and push of the bow

breath drawn deep

head thrown back to take in the multitude of stars

light years away

still, so very present

it is the night of our dear savior's birth

i had a stella for the first time last night.
i found it fitting to the taste of life as of late
a bit bitter with just the right amount of sparkle

happy tuesday

she mentioned keeping her grandmothers cookbooks and journals. a sense of the short length of days told me there was no need to do the same. i'd be dead soon.

i have seen you

your love is better

- [a very fragmented] psalm 63

sometimes i think maybe-possibly David wrote and sang simply to remind himself

or in an attempt to convince his heart and soul

these days that is the greatest reason for letting words i have a difficult time believing trip-and-fall their way out of my mouth

it's my attempt at convincing myself that i can trust him

animam meam, neque obliviscetur

when i can't sleep

i sing

photo by s.scolaro

cooking is at once child's play and adult joy. and cooking done with care is an act of love.
-craig claiborne, kitchen primer

because i'm ridiculous

thank you, Joey, for your poetry and inspiration.

a good cup of tea
delightful music
a shopping cart full of stamps
this stopped feeling like work approximately 2 hours ago.

i beginning to think that maybe seeing love tossed aside, overlooked and ignored may be just what i needed. it's awakened in me a desire to love more deeply, to live more fully.

we lost ginger and apple sometime between dusk and dawn. part of me wished i could feel even just a bit sadder. the other part understood that it was 7:30 and my emotions were still waking up. i'm feeling it now.

my sister called just as i was getting to the office. that always makes me happy. i forgot to tell her about the chickens. i was just glad i decided to go in late today.

days like today i feel hope slipping.
hope that humanity can be redeemed
hope that we will learn to love the way we were created to

i don't believe that our redeemer will fail us
rather i fear we will refuse his redemption
and not because we don't want it but because
we are to often entangled in the things that bring immediate fulfillment
we sacrifice the future for the moment
we refuse to invest in relationships that don't bring us some sort of instant satisfaction

but i think of my sister
and the lady yesterday
and the people i share life with
and i find
hope is present

all changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy;
for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves;
we must die to one life before we can enter another.

- Anatole France


this is the melancholy
struggle and sigh
rushed and whispered prayers
"let this cup pass"
breathe and begin again

if only i could stay, but here i go again and again and again

i originally set out to write down my frustrations with people.
people in my life, people in the house down the street, people at the market, people who forget.
forget that they are loved, forget that they are wonderfully made, forget that they don't have to try so hard.
but in throwing mental punches at the people i am most currently frustrated with i began to see that i don't want to bloody and bruise their faces. i just want them to see.

so instead, i plead,
a. open you eyes.
see what is in front of you and stop wishing for something else.
what you do with what and who you have in front of you matters more than you can imagine.
b. don't close your heart.
it is capable of far more love than you've let yourself believe.
those in front of you are waiting to see your heart open up.
they're waiting to open theirs too.
c. stop trying to be hip/cool/whatever-the-phrase-of-the-moment-is.
you're pretty much awesome already and trying too hard makes you less like Jesus
and you're much more like him than you think when you're not trying so hard.

this life is meant to be lived in the bodies we've been given. not the empty shells and masks we create in a vain attempt to be accepted.

live abundantly, friends

breathing slowly, deeply

wake up and feel alive.
that's the only thing on my task list these days.
this is good.

on saying too much

i spent some time thursday morning working a new song.
i'm still not sure what i feel about it.
i feel it says too much.
my heart is not in the best place right now.
i think it shows.

i was afraid to let anyone hear it.
one said it was good
the other had no words
just awkward silence

i'm ok with that

he got angry and all I cared about was being right

for what it matters i don't care much of the time or the means by which i came here
just that i'm here and finding a way out
it's beginning to rot my soul
my heart has forgotten almost entirely how to love
and that without reserve
maybe putting these words down in paragraphical format would kick start the exit process
but my mind feels replaced by a halogen machine, my thoughts unsorted and rolling
paragraphs would confuse even myself

mostly i want to
+love
+be ok
+be happy when i'm wrong
+rejoice, knowing that this is not my end

someday
someday

5 days past

i like...
being with my family
stories told by people who've seen God in the face of the worst
finding new reasons to love the land of enchantment
hearing my sister laugh
listening to bad music on roadtrips
pouring over old photographs and hearing the stories behind them

i'm not ready to go home. 11 hours left. nope. don't want to leave

if the last five days have taught me anything

it's that

1. everything really is bigger in Texas
2. sometimes you just have to let go and let life have its way with you
3. i come from a family of very good looking people.
4. i don't like leaving my family. nope. not at all.

5. things never turn out the way you imagine. life's better that way.

this is the fist time since leaving home seven years past that i've been tempted to move back. reason number one being my favorite coffee shop is hiring bakers. reason number two is that i really enjoy my family these days. even though i get little to no sleep when i'm with them and even when we spend most of our time arguing, i can sit back and feel nothing but love for each of them. maybe its more i know that soon i won't be able to see them as often. that's an unpleasant thought.

i've less than 12 hours here.

planning to make the most of each one.

the one where i lose all credibility

i work in a building that allows their tenants to bring their pets to the office.
my boss, Dr J, has taken full advantage of this allowance & brings her heeler, P, along anytime she's here. (yes, i am writing from work. feel free to talk about how i'm wasting my boss' time and money. except, this is lunch. yes, i take it that late. enough) everyone in our building knows P and most everyone loves her. a few doors down there's a woman who occasionally totes in a small rat like creature (i think its a dog). around the corner in the other direction we've got another woman who often brings her two dogs in. and so on.
this brings us to today, which found me at my desk contentedly eating my lunch, when a woman i'd never seen before walked in and started rambling about something to do with P. it took me awhile to figure out what she was trying to get at, "i'm just wanting to let you know that there's dog poop outside your door and i like P so i didn't want someone else to find it, tell management and get you in trouble"
get us in trouble?
P's been inside our office this whole time.
i mean sure, there could be magical fairies letting her out to do all the awful things she wouldn't do if we were watching. maybe she's just THAT vindictive, just so upset that Dr J left her with us that she had to GET US IN TROUBLE.
i suddenly heard myself responding and realized i was just being a snot-faced twit. so i said i'd clean it up and reached for the tissue. as i headed for the door she mumbled something about her ability to clean it up as well but the fact that she JUST WANTED US TO KNOW. fine, but i was ready to clean the mess.
now what i saw when i looked down the hallway was not at all what i envisioned. rather than finding a heeler sized turd, i was pointed to a small chihuahua sized one.

i said nothing.

just thank the lady for letting us know.
but to myself in my little mind, I RANTED.
how anyone could think those came from P is beyond me.
pft. i wish it were true seeing as i have to take her out quite often when nature calls.
whatever.
what really got me was that (unless i'm wrong and P really is out to get us all) the keeper of whatever animal it was that actually relieved itself there felt it was fine to just walk away and pretend it hadn't happened.
GAH!
now i understand just how unsavory a task it is to have to clean up after your dog and were it outside, at the park, EVEN ON MY LAWN i would probably be ok knowing that you just left it there. heck, i leave it there ( though not on the neighbor's lawn. just so you know).
BUT INDOORS? REALLY?
GAH!

perhaps i've misjudged the situation.
perhaps i am the one at fault.
perhaps P got out for a minute.
perhaps i am to blame.

GAH!

blinded by hatred (or, thoughts on "gospel")

i'm about to get wordy and undoubtedly repetitive, so you have my permission to close this window on the premise that soon you'll stop by for a cup of tea and wrestle through these ideas and truths with me. until then...

i see it more often than not. we, and by we i mean the whole human race, begin with good intent. intent to end abortion, drug abuse, slavery and the many other things that threaten to destroy our idea of security and most importantly our sense of control. we set ourselves against "evil" giving it the face of those who participate in it.
*note: i was going to mention a few groups of friends with opposing views who regularly share with me their distaste for those not are like them but i fear it may be just as detrimental for me mention as it is for them to share ( i hope that made even a smallest bit of sense to someone) hopefully you can arrive at the conclusion i've drawn without those examples.

the thing is, we did not simply lose a life a ease in the garden, but our identity as a humanity made in the image of God and with it our ability to plainly see that image in each other. so then the passiveness with which we approach seeds of dissension is what destroys us. it breeds a hatred that condones our refusal to see our fellow man as anything less than sacred. worse, it denies that we ourselves are sacred beings, and being so deceived we fail to do what is sacred and good. so our good intent becomes a power struggle, we refuse to give good even at the expense of denying it to ourselves.
the gospel of matthew records Jesus' words to the pharisees, "Woe to you,...you hypocrites! You shut the kingdom of heaven in men's faces. You yourselves do not enter, nor will you let those enter who are trying to"
though we fool ourselves into thinking that this is for our (the individual, not the whole) gain, what we do is join forces with our enemy by sinning against each other. we may not do it outwardly (gossip, bitterness, ill-wishes, abuse committed in secret and, yes, even speaking in a condescending manner) but that only makes us “white washed tombs.”
whenever the gospels tell of Jesus speaking angrily to the religious leaders and teachers of the law, they follow it by saying that He was grieved by the condition of their hearts. They were, in their day, the persons who were most closely associated with God and still were not able to see each life as He did. i’d liken it to a man in love with a woman he finds ravishing, whose brother fails to notice her beauty. or further, unaware of his brothers unwavering love and commitment to him, lets jealousy take root and denies her any respect. it would leave him unnerved, grieved, unsettled at least and would incontestably cause him to respond in exasperated anger.

we have been lied to. we’ve been told we are worthless, slaves, powerless, vagabonds, without purpose, unloved. we’ve been gulled into giving up our true identity and left to strip others of theirs in order to regain a (false) sense of an identity that was never meant for us.
here’s the kicker, our identity cannot be taken from us, “for I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.” (the love of God is what marks us as His) but we give it up when we believe any of the lies that threaten our “son-ship”

in saying to Jesus, "if you are the Son of God...", Satan was not tempting Him with power, fame or even the instant gratification of a stomach filled, but rather, attempting to destroy the whole of His identity. the things Satan offered were already His. had He doubted that and pledged loyalty to Satan His identity would no longer be “Son of God” but subject of Satan. But He didn’t because he knew his authority, He knew His Father.

so this is the gospel, that we are His (and He will fight to remind us of this) and that He came to redeem humanity both to Himself and itself. correct me if you find fault in what I say, but the gospel of Christ is not one of elitism, it is not an us-against-them gospel, nor it is a Johnny-be-good gospel. what he said and did always pointed to the truth that we have been made by God, for God and that we are heirs of a kingdom in which we are priests and kings, a kingdom that cannot be taken, though when we fail to understand its weight and value, it can be given up, and that too easily.

We have been lied to by a power who is not a co-heir and therefore wishes to keep us from inheriting its fullness. It tells us we are worthless, slaves, powerless, unloved, without purpose. it shows us wealth and positions of power, promising them at the cost of our allegiance to its gross version of our true home.
But though we’ve believed it we are not left to die in it. there is a small whisper begging us to see with eyes unmuddied that we are valued by the very force that spoke our world and bodies into existence, to hear with “ears less hollow” that we have a hope and that none of us is exempt from the redemption that Christ died to bring.

Our remedy lies in letting go of hatred, pity, our belief that some are better or more worth, and our ignorant allowance of the devaluing of any human life. Our redemption lies in taking hold of our home and refusing to believe that we are anything less than sons and daughters, priests and kings.

we are all His
we are all His

doubt

i've grown so tired of doubt. it seems its been years since i've believed anything wholeheartedly. i'm not ashamed of it, just finding it difficult to be ok.

walking

i'm currently feeling overwhelmed by a sense of...well...i'm not sure what.
(& i apologize in advance for any confusion my thoughts may cause)
its days like these i feel (if Jesus were walking on Cherry Creek Reservoir and asked me to walk with him) i could walk on water. & its thoughts like those that wrap me in humility and draw me to the ground.
i cannot say “i’ve been good and my Lord is rewarding that goodness.” on the contrary, i've felt an inabilty to present a sacrifice of worship due to my lack of faithfulness, goodness, self control. & my pride wants Him to say "get behind me, Satan." because in some twisted way it would help me feel better if He weren't so good. & yet that is what makes humility so beautiful(and pride so vile) that i can come and sing and dance and worship out of a heart so humbled by Him that it can do nothing except everything all at once.
And this brings Peter to mind. what he must’ve felt when Jesus called him to walk on water. wonder and excitement at the thought that he was about to do something unimaginable and humanly impossible. perhaps pride at being the only one asked to come out. And then maybe the realization that he had nothing in which he could boast. it's too much to think that Jesus did this in Peters life before he “worked out his salvation,” before Peter preached to anyone, before he suffered for his faith, before he learned to think before speaking, & all the while knowing that Peter would deny Him at a most pivotal moment. Still he said “come.” how humbling to think that he says the same to us, to me. Even when I’m at my worst, only moments after my pride has risen and He has to rebuke me. Still, He says “come, experience the fullness of my presence.”
all that to say this, I’ve so much yet to learn. And He is faithful to teach.
this all sounded so much better in my head
raw humble unfiltered worship. its been the cry of my heart. and now i see him bringing it.

my only peace is in dreams of you

i've seen

the way children look at this world with such wonder & i wish my eyes could be new again.

things that destroy & threaten to do it utterly.

the look in your eyes when you stop caring what they think and all you can do is love him

old men weep out of brokenness, wondering what it was all for & i wish i could believe again

you at your worst &, believe me, there is still no way that i could stop loving you

the sunlight dance on your face, making you all glow-y and giddy, & its one of my most favorite things

I've seen glimpses of what you were made to be, what you are deep in the core & i wish those moments were not so few and far between. i'd like to see you let go. i'd like to see you find that all you need is here, not in the things you've been chasing. that is all i wish for you.

when my heart is weary

the sight of your face is all i need

i seem to forget (& far too easily) just how broken we all are.
the last leg of a four hour drive reminded me.
a heavy heart and an aching side.
i need this God who loves his people and refuses to give up on them.

good friends 'round a fire on a summer night.
its all more than i could have hoped for.
a bit like magic, really.

bless the Lord, O my soul,
and forget not all his benefits

i'm terribly excited to let the creative juices flow this week.
along with putting some finishing touches on K & I's invites i've scheduled my first official photo shoot. eep! and i'm getting paid. woot woot! i'm feeling quite inspired thanks to this lady and this publication so i'm hoping to take some time to make a few props for the session on thursday.

if everything goes to pot you'll never hear mention of it.

caught a whiff of coffee and rain in the hallway
it smells like heaven

terribly excited for tonight
it is going to be magical

contemplation turns
easily
to scrutiny

there are tiny moments late in the afternoon when i wish i'd loved more, given more, taken hold of more. and in those moments i determine to do just that. soon. after i lay on the sofa for a moment to catch my breath. adrenal exhaustion is no friend.
i've stopped trying (even wanting) to grow, stopped seeking, stopped spending time with my love. the last being my worst crime.
still, the world has not come to an end. everyone else keeps on moving. that's comforting.
so i'm breathing, scheming and preparing for whatever inciting incident comes next.

& for now,
Lord, let the work of these hands, be it preparing a pot of coffee or composing a new song, please you. be my strength, my motive, my provision.

summer so far

has included...

+ dinner parties on the patio with good people
+ countless batches of homemade sorbet and ice cream
+ eating lots of yummy salads
+ late morning breakfast with lovely ladies
+ spending time with my delightful family
+ wonderful conversations over coffee and tea
+ mango and berries in everything
+ the invigorating smell of fresh mountain air
+ wearing lots of sun dresses
+ one trip to the cherry creek farmers market
+ lots of cuddle time with D & A
+ chasing chickens back into the backyard/coop
+ celebrating the sister with good food and fireworks
+ almost getting caught by the fire marshall at 2 am
+ a four hour car ride with an old friend
+ a revival of my love for painting and sketching
+ several glasses of good wine paired with good friends telling good stories

its a good life my friends
& now onto more adventure...

i'd wanted to string an delightful assortment of words together to describe the current state of affairs i find myself in. but i seem to be out of thread and the words are all strewn across my floor in an indecipherable mess. if i could though, i'd say something about how lovely it is to have time to breathe, time to be still, time to be inspired and create. and though that last bit may be true i cannot seem to find inspiration or maybe i'm missing the thing that fits snugly betwixt inspiration and creation. skill? material? desire? something other? whatever it is i haven't got it and it makes me a bit crazy that life is slow enough i've taken note of this lack. still, life, my friends, is exceedingly and abundantly good.

it happened somewhere between the walk home and the half hour i spent sitting on the counter, taking small sips of simply. it happened at some point during our conversation, after it had turned from the usual salutations and the added birthday greeting to something deeper. it was in those moments that i realized how blessed i am to have her in my life. i've always wanted to be like her, and even more so now.

overwhelmed by the abundant goodness in my life.
he is good

all your waves and your billows have swept over me.

most days i wish i'd given more love.

i miss feeling spent.

life gets unruly. the sun just keeps shining.

he smelled of earth and i breathed in deeply

its been a difficult and long process but i've finally come to see the beauty of spring.

on a brighter note

one reason i'd get married. kitchen appliances on the registry and endless hours to play with them. given that the husband is old fashioned and won't let me work. ha!

there you go again breathing, changing everything

my idea of God is not a divine idea. it has to be shattered time after time. He shatters it Himself. He is the great iconoclast. could we not almost say that this shattering is one of the marks of His presence? - cs lewis

staring at the pieces in front of me and i can't make sense of it. i feel lied to. cheated. i miss his voice, his hands. i wouldn't go back (there's no place far enough) but heaven knows i can't stay here.

peeking through windows

i was nearly overwhelmed with jealousy when i saw that look in his eyes. my heart is longing.

recuerda, alma mia, él es infinitamente capaz

hindsight

despite my awkward heavy heart, this was good.

it brings a strange relief to know that i'm not irreplaceable. letting things go & taking a firm purposeful hold of others. this feels good (though more difficult that i imagined).

he is good. he is faithful.

the shadow proves the sunshine

he makes me aware of that more than most.

i'd like to be back in front of this window, sipping some coffee, listening to the sound of small hands beating on handmade drums, breathing in the wonder of Canada.

daydreams

i've been day dreaming about all the adventures i'll have with my new partner in crime.
i'm quickly growing a pile of film that needs developing.
i've got about 15 rolls already.
and i'm anxious to see how they turn out.
my hopes aren't too high.
digital photography has ruined me.
now i just need a dark room.

crossing my fingers

beginning to see

note: this thought is currently in process and for that reason may not make much sense.
eventually, it may...

i'm beginning to see that "calling" has less to do with God telling us what we have to do or what he wants from us and more to do with pointing us to places and circumstances that provide a setting that throws us into the ache of humanity. a setting tailored to each person where one can experience both the pain and beauty of our fellow man and from that develop a desire to "lift up the burden" of our suffering neighbor.
it has almost nothing to do with the where one is called and everything to do with the who.
i am called to people. we are called to each other.
until we looked past exotic locations and into the face of our brother we cannot claim to love God nor can we claim to follow the call he has set before us.

discontented sighs

this isn't my happiest moment, looking over maps with mrs. s when we'd rather be pretending i don't have to leave.
there has been an ache in the pit of my belly since this morning that refuses to leave me be. i cannot attribute it fully to my nearing departure. there is something else but i can't quite put my finger on it.
i'm trying to savor these last few hours despite.

i'll be fine
my heart just needs some convincing.

numero ocho

today i get to cross number eight off the list. yes, ladies and gents, that means i get to meet miss amelia scolaro! my heart is happy and there is really not much else to say except that i'll probably spend all ten of those precious polaroid shots on the little olive. can't wait!

-ra

Who among you fears the LORD?
Who obeys the voice of His Servant?
Who walks in darkness and has no light?
Let him trust in the name of the LORD and rely upon his God.

i think differently of darkness than i used to. it is still no friend but i am no longer hesitant to just follow his voice through it. and when i feel his hand sweeping over mine, i remember that he is right beside me and he knows where we are headed. i am, far too often, tired and irritable but those moments only muffle the sound of his voice. they can never make me deaf to it. and knowing that that is enough for now.

pass the salt, please

life these days feels rather bland. my time is filled with things like work and comedy central. i cook occasionally and clean even less. some times i pull out a pen and think about writing in my journal. i go out every now and then with people i enjoy. still there's been a sort of monotonous tone to life as of late.
i can't say its a terrible thing. i still enjoy life, especially the small moments when i can just breathe and know that as awkward as this pose life has taken feels its a necessary part of the process. i've spent days past wishing for the bland and boring. those days when my heart is breaking and overwhelmed,when its difficult to breathe and even more difficult to believe that he is "making all things new."

so i'm taking this for what its worth. inhaling normality and exhaling my unreasonable expectations of what these days should bring, but still waiting for the fresh air of unpredictability that is sure to come my way. soon.

hobble hobble

my shoulders are sore today. i can't tell you how good it feels after 10 nearly motionless days. ok that is an exaggeration. but it feels that way. it seems tripping and falling on the sidewalk can lead to a scraped knee, which isn't so bad unless you decide to to do what i did.

i was rummaging through the linen closet for band-aids, on my way to the bathroom to wash my knee with good old soap & water when i found one of those handy little individually packaged wipes that come in those nifty little fist aid kits for occasions such as this. now i should mention that my good friend B is a CNA and also happens to be my one of my house-mates. that means this particular wipe came from the medical institution that employs her and not the little kit from Target. that being said, you'd think my good sense would cause me to conclude that i should check the label. no. you would be wrong. instead i just hollered over at B who happened to be home and asked her if i should wipe or wash. she said something, probably important, but i didn't hear it because the part of my brain that is a sucker for cute packaging was already convinced we should use the wipe. (no. the packaging wasn't that cute but it was small and had purple letters and there's something about ripping those little packages open that gives me an oddly happy feeling. gaahhhh!) so i just yelled back "i'm using the wipe!"

three seconds later i'm screaming and crying and wondering why i was allowed to live to experience this moment. why was i not hit by a truck crossing the street that morning. or, better yet, why had i not fallen off that rock i foolishly climbed without ropes or guides or anything 10 years ago. or even eaten by mountain lions or bears during one of the countless camping trips i went on as a child. why oh WHY was i left to suffer the pain and agony of this moment.
if it were not that i had, earlier that week, decided that i need to refrain from using vulgar obscenities in everyday language i would have used them. every. single. one. that moment begged for irreverant language.

there i was crying and wondering why it felt like my flesh was being chewed off by a pack of ravenous wolves when B asks, "what did you put on it?" her tone strangely similar to that mom tone. you know the one when the real question your mother wants to ask is "how did you turn out so stupid?" (try that in a southern accent) but she isn't sure the good Lord would forgive her for that one. so i pick up the package and start reading. "benzoalk...OH (insert stream of expletives previously kept from escaping my lips) ! I JUST PUT CHLOROX ON MY KNEE!" all the exclamation points allowed by blogger would not be enough to express how i felt at that moment and i don't want to be that annoying person who abuses punctuation rights.

i, at that moment, rendered the sad gray excuse for intelligence lazily lounging in my skull useless and would have made plans to immediately have it removed except that i had other things to worry about and well it fits so perfectly, so why mess with nature? as this thought was processing B once again pulls out the mom voice and yells "GET THAT OFF YOUR SKIN RIGHT NOW!"
and i, being the obedient child that i am, proceeded over to the bathtub and used what i should have in the first place, saline solution, to wash my knee. the relief was almost instant. bearable pain. that's what i'm accustomed to. that's what i can tolerate. and that is what i've had the week.

there have been several additions to the "things to avoid" list. no more wii fit or "back to bollywood". some days the walk to the bus stop is too much. so now i've got a little blob growing on the blob that is my belly. but due to the fact that greater part of my Sunday was spent entertaining D, and that means lots of lifting and swinging and throwing him around, i woke up with sore arms. after not experiencing that feeling in any muscle, other that the one used to lift my eyelids, in over a week, i must say IT FEELS GOOD!

post script...i fell on the ice yesterday and hit my knee again. i've apologized but i guess i can no longer be angry with my body for hating me. i'd hate me too.

28 jan 10

thought provoking conversation, countless cups of tea and the prospect of creating something delicious for the girls. this day couldn't be more lovely.

perfect (satur)day

breakfast at Lucille's - lunch at Europa - new books - browsing through buttons and fabric - wonderful friends

fat fat fatty fat fat

since i've been back at the office, patients will tell me i look "good" or "different" and follow the statement with the always amusing, "have you lost weight?"
ha! i'm such a fatty. some days, i answer with "yeah, a little. but i'm not sure why cause i ate like a little pig (thanks to Easter) while i was away" other days i just smile and say that i'm not sure, maybe its just my hair is longer, or something like that.
if Dr J is around she answers for me, "she's spiritually renewed! doesn't she look great?"

yeah, that's my boss.
man, i love working for her!

its going to be painful. it already has been. just remember, he is making all things new. 

the board

some days i think about the people in my life and see how blessed i am. some days i fail to see it. but on days like today, days when my heart is so heavy and broken, they serve as my mental inspiration board. i won't tell you who these people are because you should have your own people who inspire you. if you don't already see that in your circle, open your eyes and see the heart behind the people you call friends and family. look at the things they fully throw themselves into, find their passion and their tenacity in the small things and let that move you. i read an email today from a man i used to admire but had until today forgotten. he lives in Haiti. i had no idea. but if you knew this man and what his life was before Haiti and before the recent events i'm fairly sure you'd be impressed. you'd be impressed that he didn't then and still today refuses to take the easy way out. for me its not so much impressive as it is just a reminder that God is restoring humanity to himself in small ways at the core of disaster and tragedy. no, i don't believe He wanted this but i have hope that He has not left us and that He is faithful and good.

there was a chorus we used to sing at mother house every morning. its been on repeat in my mind the last few days...

we have our hope in Jesus
that all things will be well
in the Lord

if we cannot trust Him, who will give us hope ?

his new word is why. i'm glad he doesn't lose a word every time he learns a new one. that would be ridiculous. 

on an empty stomach

a cup of tea and a little soyjoy makes me feel human. spending too much time with cardboard and plastic does the opposite.

found a bent fork in the silverware drawer today. still not sure who was responsible. any's first instinct was to threaten amanda. maybe we should be concerned.

champurado

she said something about it being good enough. i think it was the perfect fix for this cold snow-y day.