27

twenty seven years ago...
i drew my first breath and then let it out in a scream
my eyes were, for the first time, flooded with light and i squeezed them tight to shut it out
i met the two persons who would be the one's to know me and love me more than anyone else
and on that day i was held for the first time in their arms

they couldn't have dreamed i'd be where i am today
but He knew
He who gave my first breath
whose gaze held me long before my existence was known to any other
whose light filled my mind before i knew or saw with my eyes
Him whose love filled my heart with song before i could utter sound
He who knows my deepest and my darkest and still gives nothing other than pure love

may the words of my mouth, the meditations of my mind
the songs of my heart, and even the simple breath of these lungs
please you and bring you honor and delight

i know i promised songs.
it was foolish
because now i'm stuck with an incessant cough
and no one wants to hear a three minutes of music
stitched throughout 10 minutes of coughing
so instead i'll offer some thoughts...

it sort of side swiped me the other day that i'm 26 years old now
it's as though i've spent the last 8 years stuck at 18
and it dawned on me that some of my fears have been completely irrational
mostly because i'm not a child and they were fears based in assumption
that i am somehow subject to some adult power
(now i understand these fears were always sort of irrational since he is on my side)
but i am the adult now, and the only thing left to fear is my own will when left to its own advances
suffice it to say i sort of finally feel like an adult now, not so much like i'm just playing "house"
woah!

a good cup of tea
delightful music
a shopping cart full of stamps
this stopped feeling like work approximately 2 hours ago.

i beginning to think that maybe seeing love tossed aside, overlooked and ignored may be just what i needed. it's awakened in me a desire to love more deeply, to live more fully.

we lost ginger and apple sometime between dusk and dawn. part of me wished i could feel even just a bit sadder. the other part understood that it was 7:30 and my emotions were still waking up. i'm feeling it now.

my sister called just as i was getting to the office. that always makes me happy. i forgot to tell her about the chickens. i was just glad i decided to go in late today.

on saying too much

i spent some time thursday morning working a new song.
i'm still not sure what i feel about it.
i feel it says too much.
my heart is not in the best place right now.
i think it shows.

i was afraid to let anyone hear it.
one said it was good
the other had no words
just awkward silence

i'm ok with that

he got angry and all I cared about was being right

for what it matters i don't care much of the time or the means by which i came here
just that i'm here and finding a way out
it's beginning to rot my soul
my heart has forgotten almost entirely how to love
and that without reserve
maybe putting these words down in paragraphical format would kick start the exit process
but my mind feels replaced by a halogen machine, my thoughts unsorted and rolling
paragraphs would confuse even myself

mostly i want to
+love
+be ok
+be happy when i'm wrong
+rejoice, knowing that this is not my end

someday
someday

when my heart is weary

the sight of your face is all i need

i seem to forget (& far too easily) just how broken we all are.
the last leg of a four hour drive reminded me.
a heavy heart and an aching side.
i need this God who loves his people and refuses to give up on them.

bless the Lord, O my soul,
and forget not all his benefits

i'm terribly excited to let the creative juices flow this week.
along with putting some finishing touches on K & I's invites i've scheduled my first official photo shoot. eep! and i'm getting paid. woot woot! i'm feeling quite inspired thanks to this lady and this publication so i'm hoping to take some time to make a few props for the session on thursday.

if everything goes to pot you'll never hear mention of it.

easing up

that's what life is doing for me.

(exhibit a)
i spent the greater part of my thursday with Oliver.
he made a new friend, the cute little Bristol.
and after an hour of play this is the mess we found ourselves in.



now if you're wondering where i let him play, let me bring to light the fact that wednesday was very snowy & wet. thus, thursday was sunny and muddy. everywhere. well not the concrete but what dog wants to play on that?!?

that said, i could not let him onto the carpet without a proper cleaning.
an hour later he was, though a bit unhappy, like new. we followed our plight with a long nap. yes. its ok, be jealous. spent some time on the piano. cleaned up. played tug-o-war with the now butt-less duck and then i said goodbye.


isn't he the most!

-r