the truth

most days things just don't work out the way i'd like
most days i'm okay (or more than) with that
not today
not when i'm trying to plan this thing out and i feel helpless because something so trivial as a bad internet connection is keeping me from what feels like my only hope.
not when i have no clue how this is all going to work

oh joy!

currently obsessing over...

1. tim coons voice. like honey staight from the comb, smooth yet slighty gritty, sweet folk-y worshipful wonder. so good

2. farmers markets. is it wierd that i just googled "farmers market, san francisco" yes. i found one that looks fantastic and that i may be able to visit not just once, but twice while the girls and i are vacationing. Mmmmmm...

3. wedding blogs. they make me happy. 'nuf said.

darken as much of me, as much as you can

worship.
he said it was all about manipulation.
a god offering one thing in exchange for a peoples sacrifice.
a people offering sacrifice to their god for a blessing on crops or health or victory in war, etc.
& for a moment i agreed.
what have we become?
how is it we've fooled ourselves into believing that if we just attend our weekly worship services and read our bibles and talk about the bible that our G-d will give what we want?
& does he do the same?
does he bless so that we will worship?
or is worship outside of this equation?

is worship less about manipulation
more about intimacy, vulnerability, love?

she said something about toothpaste. and i can't get her out of my mind.
it wasn't so much that she found it funny or random or interesting, but more that she wanted to share the moment. she let herself look a little silly by opening a conversation with "looks like someone forgot their toothpaste." but it got us talking. and if i hadn't had my cellphone out, call in progress, we would've talked for hours.

but i kept thinking. what if this is it? what if worship isn't about groveling at a kings feet simply because of position? what if it's about that king going along with you to buy that new car or just a new pair of jeans. what if it was about that conversation you had with him over coffee. and maybe not so much about the conversation but the fact that he left the palace, his own personal barista and his servants and came to you're little house where he had to hold his own cup of not-so-great-coffee. and there was no one to clean up after him. to wait on him. except you.

okay maybe i'm making this a bit weird.
i'm just tired of feeling like a slave.
i want to feel like a friend again.
and the fact that i don't is my fault, not his.
cause he still hangs out at my house.
still joins me when i break out in song and dance at random.
still walks down the same streets with me.
still lays next me at night listening to that song that has been on repeat for days.
still laughs with me at the ridiculous things that amuse me.
still smiles with me while we watch D discover the world.

but i started thinking i had to do things to keep him there. entertained. comfortable. happy. i forgot that he already was. that it wasn't about any of that. just about us. together. making life abundant.

and that is why i love him.
that is why i kiss toward him.
i love him because he first loved me.
and (i realize this undoubtedly sounds sacrilegious)
i worship him because he worships me.

its ok

some days its ok
that you end up stranded
in the rain
good for you
to walk yourself wet
down a street you stopped noticing
rediscover the light-color-structure
and you remember
that you are here
and why
and, most importantly, that you love this city

and its good timing
cause you'd begun to feel like you didn't belong anymore
but not tonight

and it doesn't matter that you're cold and soaked through
or that you can hear mrs j shouting out her warning
"don't get struck by lightning, girls!"
and you wonder what the likelihood of that happening
to you,
tonight,
might be

your sinuses will hate you
but what do they know?
you are home
and nothing can take that from you
not tonight

the tired symphony you hum when you're awake

funny how life changes
its been six months and just starting to sink in
three more and i'll (hopefully) be visiting a place i'm quickly losing sight of

i had plans
they changed
its become my only constant, change

just when i was starting to feel settled
just when life was giving what i wanted
everything changed

i'm wondering if i really want to do this
two months, sure
an undetermined amount of my life, not so sure

two months ago i was more than certain
funny how that changed because one person made one small comment

funny how i blew said comment out of proportion
and ended up in this mess of uncertainty

actually, its not funny at all