darken as much of me, as much as you can

worship.
he said it was all about manipulation.
a god offering one thing in exchange for a peoples sacrifice.
a people offering sacrifice to their god for a blessing on crops or health or victory in war, etc.
& for a moment i agreed.
what have we become?
how is it we've fooled ourselves into believing that if we just attend our weekly worship services and read our bibles and talk about the bible that our G-d will give what we want?
& does he do the same?
does he bless so that we will worship?
or is worship outside of this equation?

is worship less about manipulation
more about intimacy, vulnerability, love?

she said something about toothpaste. and i can't get her out of my mind.
it wasn't so much that she found it funny or random or interesting, but more that she wanted to share the moment. she let herself look a little silly by opening a conversation with "looks like someone forgot their toothpaste." but it got us talking. and if i hadn't had my cellphone out, call in progress, we would've talked for hours.

but i kept thinking. what if this is it? what if worship isn't about groveling at a kings feet simply because of position? what if it's about that king going along with you to buy that new car or just a new pair of jeans. what if it was about that conversation you had with him over coffee. and maybe not so much about the conversation but the fact that he left the palace, his own personal barista and his servants and came to you're little house where he had to hold his own cup of not-so-great-coffee. and there was no one to clean up after him. to wait on him. except you.

okay maybe i'm making this a bit weird.
i'm just tired of feeling like a slave.
i want to feel like a friend again.
and the fact that i don't is my fault, not his.
cause he still hangs out at my house.
still joins me when i break out in song and dance at random.
still walks down the same streets with me.
still lays next me at night listening to that song that has been on repeat for days.
still laughs with me at the ridiculous things that amuse me.
still smiles with me while we watch D discover the world.

but i started thinking i had to do things to keep him there. entertained. comfortable. happy. i forgot that he already was. that it wasn't about any of that. just about us. together. making life abundant.

and that is why i love him.
that is why i kiss toward him.
i love him because he first loved me.
and (i realize this undoubtedly sounds sacrilegious)
i worship him because he worships me.