breathing slowly, deeply

wake up and feel alive.
that's the only thing on my task list these days.
this is good.

on saying too much

i spent some time thursday morning working a new song.
i'm still not sure what i feel about it.
i feel it says too much.
my heart is not in the best place right now.
i think it shows.

i was afraid to let anyone hear it.
one said it was good
the other had no words
just awkward silence

i'm ok with that

he got angry and all I cared about was being right

for what it matters i don't care much of the time or the means by which i came here
just that i'm here and finding a way out
it's beginning to rot my soul
my heart has forgotten almost entirely how to love
and that without reserve
maybe putting these words down in paragraphical format would kick start the exit process
but my mind feels replaced by a halogen machine, my thoughts unsorted and rolling
paragraphs would confuse even myself

mostly i want to
+love
+be ok
+be happy when i'm wrong
+rejoice, knowing that this is not my end

someday
someday

5 days past

i like...
being with my family
stories told by people who've seen God in the face of the worst
finding new reasons to love the land of enchantment
hearing my sister laugh
listening to bad music on roadtrips
pouring over old photographs and hearing the stories behind them

i'm not ready to go home. 11 hours left. nope. don't want to leave

if the last five days have taught me anything

it's that

1. everything really is bigger in Texas
2. sometimes you just have to let go and let life have its way with you
3. i come from a family of very good looking people.
4. i don't like leaving my family. nope. not at all.

5. things never turn out the way you imagine. life's better that way.

this is the fist time since leaving home seven years past that i've been tempted to move back. reason number one being my favorite coffee shop is hiring bakers. reason number two is that i really enjoy my family these days. even though i get little to no sleep when i'm with them and even when we spend most of our time arguing, i can sit back and feel nothing but love for each of them. maybe its more i know that soon i won't be able to see them as often. that's an unpleasant thought.

i've less than 12 hours here.

planning to make the most of each one.