Mmmmm...

i love walking into the shipping room when it smells like a fresh pressed cup of coffee. sans brew.

i really hate how emo-centric i've become. really, though. if you've spent anytime around me lately you'd think i were bi-polar and reconsider our friendship. i know i'm reconsidering it. i just don't know how to get past this part. i forget to write out the instructions once i'm back in a normal state of mind. it hasn't been quite so bad this time though. i've been able to talk myself out of a lot of it. i probably sound like a schizo doing it but it works for at least awhile.

i joined in celebrating(if i can call it that) a friends birthday last night and the one before. that's when it really kills me. when i know i can't just enjoy the moments like i should. the joys of life seem a bit distant. the moment i realize how ecstatic i should be to have such lovely delightful people around my heart is crushed. i want to be well for them now. i was so much easier to wallow when i limited my social network to the few friends that i could share a few choice moments with but at the end of the day there wasn't much invested. these ones make it that much harder.

and maybe thats why its different this time. not to get all spiritual on your asses but i'm, in a very strange way, discovering the beauty of the body and the importance of not having a "it's just me-n-jesus" veiw of this thing. which means i can't run (gah) even though its the only thing i want to do right now.
so thanks, to those of you who have and are putting up with me. the scowl on my face may give off that i'm terribly annoyed by you (and i just might be) but, please know that in my moments of sanity and clarity i adore each of you. and standing here all pouty looking means i haven't run away, which means i'm trying, more than i ever have and thats because of you.

-r