Today marks two years from the day that I left to start my second adventure in
Kolkata. I have felt the nearness of this day for the last few months and have wallowed in the grief of what I, so
foolishly, deemed to be a life I had lost. My expectations had been incredibly high. I had dreams and desires and I
assumed they were god-given. I never once thought that he might have a plan
other than the one I saw so clearly laid out. To my surprise, and as you all
know, I was wrong. I felt robbed. I was
confused, angry and overwhelmed by grief. I don’t know if I was more angry at
God or myself. Whatever the case, I let myself grow bitter and calloused,
tossing aside everything I knew to be true and deciding God had deceived me. (It
feels so sacrilegious to say that but I want be honest.) I think back to this
day last year and it amazes me just how dark and hopeless I have been. Sure, I
had lucid moments when I was aware of God’s goodness and the reality that his
plans are far greater than my petty ideas. And He has always been kind and
faithful to remind me. His grace has been enough. But I am fickle and I forget
to take what I need of it.
As I walked home today I decided that, though I ache constantly to be back there, I don’t want this day to be a sad one. Instead, I want this day to remind me that God is faithful, that he is good, that he sees us and knows our deepest and our darkest and loves us. I want this day to remind me that He gave me five and a half wonderfully difficult and gloriously beautiful months in the City of Joy. Five and half months of a life not my own, a life better than one I could have constructed for myself. I want to always remember that for five and half months, he chose to reveal himself to me through a colorful land and its beautiful people. Most of all I want this day to always remind me that he knows my inmost longings, he feels my deepest aches, he hears my terrible groans and understands them better than I do. And, in all of these, he sits with me and waits for me to remember him and remember that He is always and ever enough.
So today I celebrate these things: dreams lived, the unfathomable love and goodness of my Author, and the reality of grace. I celebrate them with cake and wine and a friend who is always ready to celebrate these little moments with me.
Thanks be to God
As I walked home today I decided that, though I ache constantly to be back there, I don’t want this day to be a sad one. Instead, I want this day to remind me that God is faithful, that he is good, that he sees us and knows our deepest and our darkest and loves us. I want this day to remind me that He gave me five and a half wonderfully difficult and gloriously beautiful months in the City of Joy. Five and half months of a life not my own, a life better than one I could have constructed for myself. I want to always remember that for five and half months, he chose to reveal himself to me through a colorful land and its beautiful people. Most of all I want this day to always remind me that he knows my inmost longings, he feels my deepest aches, he hears my terrible groans and understands them better than I do. And, in all of these, he sits with me and waits for me to remember him and remember that He is always and ever enough.
So today I celebrate these things: dreams lived, the unfathomable love and goodness of my Author, and the reality of grace. I celebrate them with cake and wine and a friend who is always ready to celebrate these little moments with me.
Thanks be to God
It is right to give Him thanks and praise. I'd like to hear more about this some time Rachel :)
ReplyDeletePraying with you, Rachel, and trusting that God is bigger than our questions. And letting it sink that sometimes the deepest answers come in never knowing why, but in the surrender.
ReplyDeleteThe best is before you, my friend.