i know i promised songs.
it was foolish
because now i'm stuck with an incessant cough
and no one wants to hear a three minutes of music
stitched throughout 10 minutes of coughing
so instead i'll offer some thoughts...

it sort of side swiped me the other day that i'm 26 years old now
it's as though i've spent the last 8 years stuck at 18
and it dawned on me that some of my fears have been completely irrational
mostly because i'm not a child and they were fears based in assumption
that i am somehow subject to some adult power
(now i understand these fears were always sort of irrational since he is on my side)
but i am the adult now, and the only thing left to fear is my own will when left to its own advances
suffice it to say i sort of finally feel like an adult now, not so much like i'm just playing "house"
woah!

some days you take in a hurried breath
let it out with painstaking slowness
and hope desperately for restoration

because its all you can do.

thoughts at six weeks...

as much as i feel so far into this experience i also feel like i've just begun.
i suppose what i feel could best be described as an awareness of the new-ness of each moment and with that the understanding that His mercies are new every morning. when i am overwhelmed by the depth of the brokenness of humanity He reminds me of this. He reminds me that He is El-Roi and Emmanuel. He sees and is with us. i don't always believe it fully but i'm learning to trust it.






p.s. new song (or 2) coming soon :)

seeking and finding

i will rise now and go about the city;
in the streets and in the squares
i will seek the one i love


i'm finding him here
so good

it's a bit amusing
faith met by doubt
doubt met by faith

i feel the length of days being stretched, pulled tight and readied. the weight of my actions lightened by the absence of proverbial gravity in this state. its a good feeling, a strange feeling, a feeling unlike any i've felt, waiting somewhere between the pull and the snap.

this is good
and strange
he is good
and, even, strange

its been quite a while since i last set poesia to music.
i'm imagining an upright bass and a mellifluous drum beat to go along with. until then...

lost dog

found an unfamiliar document on my hard drive at work
"lost dog"
opened it up to find this,

"Your Rott,
good heart,
seriously ill
with cancer.
Leg could
break, vet said
it is a
painful death
I didn’t know,
I am sorry he
has died, I
buried him.
Much loved.
Sad for you."

i laughed. then i felt bad.
no idea where it came from.